


For Starters

by passivelyexisting



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: F/F, Set in Season 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 07:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14039715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/passivelyexisting/pseuds/passivelyexisting
Summary: Julia and Marina never got a happy ending. Or an ending, really. But they had a beginning.





	For Starters

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is built around the scene in the last episode of season 1, when Julia calls Marina.

First, there was Marina.

~

Short, but taller than her, snotty, with her tight dirty blonde ponytail that swayed from side to side like a pendulum. Magenta lips constantly pulled into a smirk lured Julia in, even as she knew it was a trap. Thinking of her caused untamed thoughts to rise up in her, unbeckoned and undesired, so ludicrous that Julia considered if they were the product of some twisted magic, a way to make her more compliant.

But deep inside, past the granite that had begun to spread around her heart, she knew for once, magic was not involved.

The night before Julia cast the spell that nearly killed her best friend, she stood outside Marina’s hideout and leaned against the graffitied wall, not wanting to go home but not sure it was wise to stay.

The sharp click of heels on pavement announced Marina before her impeccably offhand voice rung out next to her. “Troubles at home?”

Julia glanced at her. Bright blue eyes burned through her and ignited a fire in her cheeks. Marina produced a cigarette with a snap of her fingers and lit it with another one. She inhaled, and then blew a puff of smoke against Julia’s face.

She did not allow herself to cough; instead she breathed it in like oxygen and felt her eyes sting and begin to water.

“Why so quiet, little Julia? Speak up.” Marina laughed and produced another cigarette. “Talk,” she said as she handed it to her.

She lit it herself with ease, but her mind was too far away to register the small victory.

“It’s James,” Julia’s voice was unfamiliar to her, like for the first time, she was hearing what she really sounded like, and not the vibrations that rattled around inside her skull.

“It’s not, but go on.” 

She glanced at Marina, but she wasn’t looking at her. “No,” she said, “It’s not.”

“So, there’s someone else. Oh, interesting. Is little Julia a player?” Marina mock gasped. “Not at all what I had you pinned as, sweetie.”

Julia didn’t answer, instead taking another drag from the cigarette. Her mind led her back to her sixteen-year-old self, when Quentin would sometimes call her.

Not anymore, not for a long time. But when they were young, and the sky was dark, and everyone else was asleep or pretending to be, her phone would ring.

“Julia, I can’t fall asleep.”

“Julia, I can’t breathe.”

“Julia, I can’t be happy.”

“Julia, I can’t do this.”

“Julia, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”

“Julia⎼I’m broken.”

She would listen as he rambled, and she would reassure him using the appropriate platitudes. Sometimes, she would go over to his house, but sometimes, the line would grow silent and awkward until one of them hung up, and then Julia would lie awake until the cold air from her open window reminded her that she was alive.

And one time, Julia called Quentin. It went to his voicemail.

“Q, hey, sorry to bother you, I know it’s late, but um━there’s something wrong with me, Q. I don’t know what to do…..” she fell silent until her time ran out, and then she deleted it.

James showed up that morning to pick her up, and he told her stupid jokes all the way to Quentin’s and said she looked prettier than normal, and all Julia could think was how desperately she wanted to not be able to. When they got to Quentin’s house, his parents were waiting outside.

He was in the hospital.

Now, Julia felt the aching hollowness in her chest more acutely than ever, as she inhaled, held the breath, and then exhaled a wonderful cloud of smoke. She wasn’t sure she should rip the stitches open, allow the wound to breathe free, as if tasting oxygen would make it grow stronger, as if speaking it aloud would finally make it real.

She didn’t look at Marina as the words spilled from her lips with the rest of the cigarette smoke. “I think I’m gay.”

The words hung in the air as the smoke dissipated, and Marina was silent. After a moment, her voice, high and demanding as ever. “Well, that’s boring.”

“What?” Julia looked at her now, her voice coming out as a croak.

“Internalized homophobia, Julia, it’s so boring. You’re smart, probably the smartest person who’s ever been in there,” she gestured back to the hideout, “besides me, of course. But this? Is this your deep, dark secret? The one the monsters are borne from, the one your enemies use against you? If so, do better.”

She finished her cigarette, and let it fall gracefully from her long finger, grinding it into nothing with her heel.

“Don’t be a pussy. Do you think or do you know?” she said, her eyebrows raised, and then she slipped away, disappearing into the darkness.

 

Now, it was months later, though it felt like a decade, and Julia was dialing Marina’s number as her fingers shook and trembled, leaving blood behind on each number they pressed.

“I need your help. Something happened.” the words were not enough, but they were more than Julia could bear. There was silence on the other end, and then the phone beeped, telling her that she had hung up.

Julia’s vision blurred as she fell back to the floor. The blood soaked through her dress until she could feel the warmth against her skin, so she clumsily stood and ran to the bathroom, heaving up the contents of her stomach until she couldn’t breathe.

She wasn’t thinking, her brain was hardly working, but she wiped her mouth and then stumbled back into the kitchen, pulling the dress off of her as she did, and then shoving it into the trash can. But that wasn’t enough, so she unclasped her bra and then pulled off her panties and tossed them in to join the dress.

In her bedroom she put on the first clothes she saw, her mind still blank, running solely on autopilot. She returned to the kitchen and began to clean. She slipped in the blood several times as tears began to form, and unknown to her, dripped onto the floor to mingle with the blood.

That’s how Marina found her, when she came in.

“Jesus.” 

Julia glanced up, but her eyes were unfocused. “Thank you for coming.”

She tried to stand but as she moved to take a step, her foot slipped. Marina darted forward, catching her in her arms.

“Whoa━I got you, I got you.” Marina caught her eye. “The thing, where is it now?”

“Gone. Got what it wanted. I didn’t know who else to call.”

Her blue eyes were no longer as bright, but they were just as intense. “You called the right person. I’m gonna help you clean this up.”

Julia didn’t acknowledge what she said, instead saying, “I’m gonna need another favor. I know it’ll cost me, but I don’t care.”

Marina’s eyes flitted across her face, searching for a clue. It might be the first time Julia had seen her at a genuine loss. “Jesus, Julia, I want to help.”

“What Brakebills did to your memory? I need you to do it to me.”

Shock appeared on her face, and she made no attempt to hide it. She opened her mouth, either in shock or to say no, Julia did not wait to find out.

“Please.” she imbued as much desperation as she could into it, but it still felt hollow to her. Perhaps that’s what swayed Marina, not the desperation, but rather the pitiful attempt at it, the glaring gap where the feeling should have been.

“Okay,” she said, nodding, “Okay.”

Her hands trembled slightly as she brought them level to her face, and then moved them quickly back and forth in impossible contortions that Julia didn’t bother trying to remember. It took a minute, and then Marina let her hands fall back to her sides   
unceremoniously.

“Okay,” she said again. Without warning, but slowly enough Julia should have understood, Marina leaned forward and kissed her. It was a gentle caress, professional and deliberate, right up until the moment she pulled away, and Marina's eyes stayed shut just a second too long. Deep inside her, where her secret had healed and turned into a scar, irrevocably a part of her, Julia knew she would feel something.

As she waited, her vision darkened around the corners, and her head slowly grew heavier and heavier, until she had no choice but to fall back. Her eyes shut.

Julia felt nothing.

~

And then, there was Kady.


End file.
